Big ants, black ants, small ants, brown ants,
ants in the pantry, ants in my pants,
ants in the cupboard, ants in my rants.
"Help me! Help me! Help!" I cry.
"I cannot deal with ants," said I
"Make them leave me, make them go,
Come, O east wind, make them blow."
"Where'd you come from?" I said to them
"Where'd you come from? Go back and then
leave me alone, that's all I ask.
Go away from me, is that too hard a task?
Why do you do this? why, why, why?
Just one more itch I think I'll die."
I spread some pepper, spread some soap,
spread dish water, and bleach to hope
that something would work to get them to go,
but can you not guess it? NO NO NO!
Still they are coming, still they crawl,
All over the baby, up and down the wall.
I'm going crazy, what can I do?
Some poison? YES! Yes, THAT will do.
But where to put it? How to use?
Hey, I've got an idea, how about some glue?
Yes, glue is the answer, glue is good,
just pour some out and spread on wood.
Glue is the answer, yes, glue, says Me
that glue's just the thing for ants, you see.
But no, the glue it did no good,
the only thing happened I got stuck to the wood
And then the ants, oh! fun they had --
crawled up and down all over my bed.
Big ants, black ants, small ants, brown ants,
and now some really bad bad bad ants --
red ones now, with fiery bites,
evil things that cause such fright.
They pinch, they bite, they leave big welts.
I swear, to my nose, they even smelt.
Smelt? they smelt? is that a word?
Oh what does it matter? Hey! how 'bout a sword?
No, that is dumb to think that a saber
could solve this problem over which I labor.
And then my friend, so smart, so nice,
he said, "Let me give you some advice.
These ants you hate, these ants you've seen,
These big ones, small ones, and ones in between
are really too much for one man to fight.
You need some help, someone with might.
In town you'll find someone to help:
the ANTI-ANT ANT MAN. . . he'll make them yelp!
If one can help, it will be him,
I swear he can do it, or my name ain't Jim!"
And so to the anti-ant ant man I went
to get some help before I was spent..
He looked at me, and said, "My friend,
today you're in luck for this problem to end."
He said, "I'm good, I am the king
of ridding ants, even those that sing.
You've never heard something as bad as that,
for when an ant sings, hold on to your hat!
Your eyes will cry, your ears will hurt,
they don't really sing, they just simply blurt!
I'll come with you," he said with a sneer,
"For here we can do nothing, nothing from here."
And so we came to my house with haste
We ran so fast, we nearly raced.
And when we got there, he said with glee:
"Oh ho! what've we got here, what's this I see?
Black ants, red ants, brown ants, blue ants?
Where did these come from? They're wearing-shoe ants!"
"Oh help me," I said, "help me please!
Else someone should shoot me, end my miseries!
I can't stand them, stand them, no I can't
I see them, see them everywhere an ant!
Oh man! what have I done for this?"
And the anti-ant ant man said, "A gun can't miss!"
Yes, "a gun," he said... I swear he said it.
And before I could stop him he went to get it.
And when he came back he said, "This is it!
The Anti-Ant Ant Man's Anti-Ant Gun from Blit.
Yes, Blit," he said. "Blit once had ants,
they were everywhere found, even in their pants.
And then one day, in that town of old,
Someone made this gun, an anti-ant gun, I'm told.
And when they fired it, that's all she wrote,
the ants were all gone, and even a goat."
I said, "Oh, let's use it, let's use it now.
You really must teach me, you must teach me how.
These ants I hate, these ants I can't stand!
They're such a nuisance, the worst in the land!"
And so that anti-ant ant man taught me how to aim
that anti-ant gun in order to claim
freedom and victory over this pest,
but before I could fire it, the ant man stressed
that care must be taken before I would fire,
"For you don't know what power that gun' could acquire."
"Aim only at ants, the ones on six legs,
for they are much worse than even ten plagues.
But don't aim at cats, or a dog, or that bird in the cage.
Who knows what will happen when the gun you engage?"
And so with great care, I took aim, pulled the trigger.
But just as I did, an ant -- what a wiggler! --
crawled up my pants-leg, and I jumped up with shock
and the gun -- it went off -- KABOOM! -- shot the clock.
And then just like lightning, ricocheted off the wall,
shot the dog in the tail as he went down the hall.
The cat ran for cover, but too late did it run.
With cat-fur a-flyin', it was outrun by the gun.
The bird in the cage fared the worst, sad to say,
so frightened it was by the BOOM that it lay
an egg in its cage, an egg, yes I swear,
and it came out hardboiled. On my oath, I declare!
But best thing of all -- the ants had all flown.
Whether dead, or in hiding, I never have known.
The ants, big and small ones, brown, red ones, and black,
are gone to this day, they have never come back.
And the hardboiled bird egg, tasted good the next day
and the cat and the dog are okay . . . in a way.
'Cept the dog, I'm not jokin', is no longer a dog;
but one blast from that gun, and he looks like a frog..
And the cat got changed, too, I swear I'm not lyin' --
that kitty cat now is as big as a lion.
But if ants are a problem, I've just one thing to say:
Call ANTI-ANT ANT MAN... he's well worth his pay.
He'll get rid of those ants, big and small, black or brown.
He's exterminator par exc'llence, a man of renown.
But if you do it yourself, heed his words, as he taught.
Watch where you aim -- you get only one shot.
Keep the dog, and the cat, and the bird in the cage,
out of range, before ever that gun you engage.
